The Core of the Problem
A Simple Solution
I am going to sound like a big asshole to some of you for saying what I'm going to say here but I don't give two shits, I'm going to give you the secret of life right here and right now, you better take notes.
Disclaimer: Now, I am not saying my personal life is great, far from it -—at this point it's a manageable chaos—- or that I'm free of problems because I know The Secret of life; this solution has nothing to do with attaining perfection or the elimination of all your troubles but rather a way to approach life so all this relationship garbage can be managed from a safe vantage point, just so you can enjoy the peace of mind necessary to navigate through this fucked up experience we call life and the assholes in it. Maybe some opportunistic self-help guru already wrote shit like this but I'm giving to you free of charge and based on my own life and personal experiences; we, humans are pretty much alike so if you see yourself portrayed in this note, don't take it personally, THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK ON ANYONE but a general observation.
Many of my friends and relatives find themselves in very similar situations, when I hear and read their stories, I always say things like: "Your case is different", "You have different needs", "Not everyone has the same problem as you" or "Your situation is unique" and I really do mean that; no two problems are ever alike but that's mainly because the people involved in them are different, but the overall issue, the core of the problem is always the same.
The Problem: People are by default mental midgets; they are indeed mentally lazy and lack self responsibility, if you know me some, you have heard me say that a lot. They love to blame others for their own suffering. Nothing is ever their fault. They also love to place their sentimental, artistic and economic health in the care of other people, who in turn are doing exactly the same to them, so now you have two problems!
People get together, get married and have all kinds of relationships, but most often than not, they hand the keys to their own individual happiness to their partners and spouses. They wrongly believe that they need to let others make them happy. They have not developed the tools to make themselves happy, why? because to do that requires real effort and a deep understanding of oneself. Most people don't like themselves and never really got to find out what makes them tick.
WE DON'T KNOW OURSELVES VERY MUCH Years ago someone sent me a list of really good questions for an interview, not the ones in these internet games. At that point, while answering —or rather, attempting to answer them— I realized a lot of things about myself I didn't know, or perhaps I knew but weren't clear. In my attempt at finding honest answers for these guys and not the usual self-congratulatory artist's bullshit like: "I've been drawing since I was 3 months old" and nonsense like that, I began to dig deeper and deeper to expand on my answers and to reinforce the views on myself I've already held as truth and I have to tell you, some of the shit I unearthed was very revealing and not too pleasant to come to grips with. In fact, a bit of it was really ugly and vile, there is a darker side to me I didn't think I had and which I have grown to despise.
If those guys never would have asked those questions I'd probably still be as ignorant about myself as I was before the interview. This is because I would have never asked myself those questions. We don't ask ourselves certain questions, we rarely interview ourselves in an truly inquisitive fashion and when we do, we rarely reply with brutal honesty; we tend to generalize and sugar coat everything because we don't like ourselves very much, not the real self, anyway and we're ashamed to show that to the world. During the course of our relationships, our friends, partners and spouses will eventually find all this and that's when the proverbial shit hits the proverbial fan. We want to present ourselves in the possible light, it makes sense but it doesn't help in figuring out who we truly are. "How could I have married that psycho?" well, now you fucking know.
SELF HEALTH Giving your life to your lover does not mean dumping your shit onto your lover and building unrealistic expectations around him. It means giving of your SELF! The self is at the core of the issue. It is OK to give oneself to others but you are always yourself and you remain yourself forever and with the self comes the responsibility to its well being. You must feed and nurture your SELF and keep it healthy and independent so when you give it, it doesn't overburden the other person and if it's not accepted or if it's given back to you all fucked up and abused, you can nurse it back to health with minimum loss and minimum pain.
The SELF is then at the heart of the dilemma.
I know what some of you are thinking, you're saying: "this is nothing new" Now, if you said that and haven't done anything to improve your condition, then stop reading this because you're a total moron and you deserve to remain miserable for the rest of your life. This is a world-wide disease, most everyone does it. This Facebook shit hole is full of the same story with different players; everyone thinks their story is different, guess what Jack? IT IS NOT!!.
It is the same old boring story and I'm sick of it!!
I'm so sick of it that I'm doing something about it. Easier said than done, right? but doable nonetheless. No one is free of an accident or some random act of violence but this is not what I'm addressing here, that stuff is only a tiny percentage of what occurs to us on a daily basis, I'm only concerned with the stuff you can control. Stop being the victim, that gets old pretty quick.
The Solutions: Take two or three minutes of your time, maybe when you're in the crapper, taking a healthy dump and tell yourself the following:
"I am the captain of my own ship, I am the master of my own destiny, my life belongs to me and as such, I am solely responsible for it and for everything that happens to me".
"My decisions (which are based on my personal needs) dictate the course of action I decide to embark on".
"That being the case, from today on, my needs will change; I will make myself and not others, the center of my emotional, artistic and economic needs"
like I said, people undoubtedly (and mistakenly) lay all of their hopes and dreams in the hands of others, instead of their own hands, it is a very human thing to do but it's also NOT the right thing to do, unless you want to suffer, which I gather, you don't want. The fear of suffering is another stupid human trait and a problem for another time.
Only YOU can make YOU happy. Lots of people say that because it sounds nice, but why is that so fucking hard to understand??!!!
I don't know and I don't care and neither should you. Just fix the fucking problem and move on with your life!
The happiest and most successful couples and partners I know, and I do know some, are the ones who are fiercely independent and individualistic in their pursuit of their own personal goals (and I don't mean selfish or egocentric either)
When people like that get together, they are in concert with each other and they are at peace with themselves because they don't carry the heavy burden of "making somebody happy" and they don't put that burden on their partners either; that doesn't mean they're perfect or that there's no room for error or that they don't love each other as much as irresponsible people do or anything like that, but it does eliminate the disappointment issue, which is the outcome of the core of the problem. There is nothing stopping you from becoming self sufficient and independent. Just YOU!
DO NOT LIE TO YOURSELF The main complaint is disappointment; you married or got into a long term relationship with someone you love deeply and you know they love you back, with two main issues in mind: The unrealistic expectation of having a wonderful, blissful life full of love, sex, happiness and understanding and most of all, the delusional thought of leaving it up to him or to her to make sure your needs are met. BIG MISTAKE!!
When your needs stop being met you can't understand why. Why? people ask, 'Why? Why?" "if all I did was to love him/her", "I put all my trust in him/her! and he/she let me down" "I gave him the best years of my life"
I never hear: "Shit, I shouldn't have overwhelmed this man/woman and expect him to make me happy, that's my responsibility" or:
"I didn't meet his/her crazy expectations and I just couldn't make him/her happy all the time, I was too busy placing the weight on him/her to realize my mistake"
Same goes for business, friendship and everything else. YOU put your life, your livelihood and the key to your personal happiness in the hands of another person and later you complain. To the same person! That's real dumb! Accept responsibility and you'll begin to see things differently.
"He betrayed me, he destroyed me, I was devastated!" No, fool! you did it to yourself! Where is your responsibility in all of this?
I said to a dear friend who loves me very much: "Don't come too close, I don't want you to get hurt" She said: "You can only hurt me if I let you", I love that!
NO ONE CAN HURT YOU unless YOU let them, YOU also are in this, do not give up the responsibility to your actions just because you are in love.
DO NOT put yourself in a position where you can get hurt, because undoubtedly, YOU WILL! and if you love so much that you must remain at peril, perhaps because the payoff is so handsome (I can definitely understand that, been there myself many times) just don't act surprised if your heart gets broken, as simple as that!
DO NOT say to anyone: "I'm going to give it to you but you have to promise me you won't hurt me, because that would break me in two" Man up and take it, enjoy the madness and deal with the consequences later or leave it and face being alone but for the love of god, SHUT THE FUCK UP!
DO NOT say to anyone: "I trust you would do what's right" Make sure you do what's right for YOU, not what's right for HIM or HER.
DO NOT stay in an abusive relationship and don't rationalize fucked up behavior: "He can change, he says he doesn't want to lose me" or "That's the way he loves me"
DON'T DO THINGS FOR OTHERS, DO THEM FOR YOURSELF Relax, Chief! let me explain. It's great to share but you should also enjoy or take pleasure in doing it, perhaps the pleasure you take is the knowledge these things you do, can help, heal or make others happy. Mainly you should do them because YOU WANT TO.
Understand wholeheartedly that neither Life nor Love nor Happiness are guaranteed to anyone; The constitution unequivocally states that Man is guaranteed The Pursuit of Happiness, not Happiness itself! That's there for a reason.
People fall in and out of love all the time, there's not much you can do about that. Trust yourself to take care of the SELF to achieve personal satisfaction and peace of mind by developing your talents and pursuing personal excellence; these things are very rewarding to the self and in turn, they bring with them the confidence and strength you need to deal with the rest of the shit, and that in turn, reflects upon you as an individual and impresses those people that are worth being friends with or falling in love with; those who will respect you and admire you, and even love you.
DO NOT be afraid of being alone. Learn to enjoy solitude. Fuck whoever said being a loner is sad or depressing, being alone can be productive and wonderful. Fuck anyone who says: you need the company of people all the time in order to become a healthy and productive member of society! BULLSHIT! It's great to know and to love people but YOU are most important to yourself and if you're not, then, you're an idiot and you better change and soon.
DO NOT FALL PREY TO SEXUAL BLACKMAIL AND EXTORSION Everybody wants to fuck and everybody needs to eat, but as a wise man put it a while ago, fucking is not indispensable to our survival; fucking is no longer even vital for procreation purposes, you can go without having sex for as long as you want and you won't die but you cannot go without food or without taking a dump for very long. You don't even need two people to have sex in order to enjoy it fully, a partner would be nice but in the absence of one, god gave you two hands and something called imagination, use them, don't be a lazy fuck.
Sure it's OK to be alone. It's certainly better than to spend your life with an imbecile and to give him/her full control over your SELF, unless that imbecile is you, in which case I stand corrected. But you can change that if you want, it is up to you, as with everything else.